Words, Images and the Space Between

entry 63. [words can be so damaging]

entry 63. [words can be so damaging]

You ever have one of those big memory flashes?

The kind that, if they had physical weight to them, would literally knock you over?

Usually these flashes occur in the oddest of moments, when you haven’t thought of that person/place/thing for years. And in that moment, you can see how that event caused a huge chain reaction, several years in the making, creating [part of] the person you are today?

I had one of those moments, just now, in the shower. (Why do these ah-ha moments always appear in the shower?)

Many years ago (circa 1998, I think) I was dating this guy. He was a writer, and a very talented one, at that. He had seen my first film, Liebeschrek, and hired me to direct his short film. He was, at the time, perhaps, my biggest fan. In order to raise the funds to finish the second film, he sold his truck. He very much supported my artistic visions. Through the process of making this film, we started dating.

He was a strange mix of charisma and narcissism, kindness and harshness. Quite often, he would blurt out inappropriate things; hurtful, harmful things he said for shock value and nothing more. Then he’d laugh, brush it off, and say he was kidding. I like to think that he didn’t comprehend my emotional depth, just how sensitive I was - because if he knew, would he say such things?

It was a hot day in July, late 90’s, in the San Fernando Valley, in an apartment without air conditioning. Nerves and temperatures were running high, as you can well imagine. Even in the oppressive heat, I was feeling inspired and ready to get working on my next project, which I was telling him about. (I might have been rambling about it…)

Visually, he seemed unmoved by my project, uninspired by my enthusiasm. After several minutes passed I finally asked him what he thought about it.

“The truth?” he said.

“The truth.” I responded.

“I’d much rather look at your work than hear you talk.”

ouch!

It’s funny how someone can say something, and we take from it just what we like. Whatever we need to perpetuate our own emotional states. Mine, at the time, being a state of “I’m not good enough…”

I’ve held onto the resentment I felt from that comment for years…years! But today, suddenly, I saw the comment in a different light, from a different perspective. Instead of telling me to shut the F up, maybe he was telling me to stop talking about it and start doing it.

It got me thinking about how everything we say and everything we do has the potential to affect another person’s life, for good or bad.

How the other person takes what we say or do is not our responsibility. It’s not his fault his comment hurt me so deeply, and shut down all of the words I wished to speak and/or write. It is his fault for being careless with his words, but it’s my fault for holding on so tightly and making them my truth.

I wonder what things I could have accomplished if I’d have let that comment go, like water off a ducks back? There’s no use in wondering, though. What I can do is to no longer be defined by what someone thought of me all those years ago…

Which reminds me of the wisdom of the Four Agreements:

Agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3 

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement 4 

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Easier said than done, I know. But it’s a start. And the strangest part is that I’m actually grateful for the lesson.

Just wanted to share.

Thanks for reading.

Have a beautiful day.

xo

Liz

http://photomonium.net