Words, Images and the Space Between

entry 66. [when the path ends.]

Saturday, October 29, 2011
11:03am
Venice, CA

 
I’m at a crossroads. I always thought “crossroads” meant you had a choice…ya know, the place where 3 roads intersect. Applying that crossroads metaphor to life, one could therefore head in any of those 3 directions. THAT was my understanding of crossroads. I suppose that means I wasn’t truly at a crossroads, for it always seemed like all directions were an option.
 
At present, however, in my heart of hearts, I feel that there are only the paths that lie ahead -
It’s as if the road I had been traveling on suddenly disintegrated behind me.
 
There is no turning back. Only forward.
 
I am scared. I am uncertain. Usually I have the great ability to visualize anything and everything, yet I cannot visualize what life will look like from this point forward. I feel like it all has to change, like it all WILL change, regardless of if I initiate the changes or not. So I might as well make some positive changes that work for me. Right?
 
I am talking to myself, listening to be the optimistic cheerleader within. But the cheerleader does her job from the sidelines. She doesn’t understand the pain of being tackled, the frustration of running after something that is always changing direction. I’m in the game, and I wanna smack my inner cheerleader.
 
Then I realize she’s just doing her job. It’s not her job to understand first-hand how hard it is, it’s her job to support and encourage me when it gets hard. It’s her job to motivate me, to keep me moving.
 
I try on her endless optimism for size. It doesn’t fit at first, but I try anyway.
I take a step forward. It’ll all be ok.
 
I can still visit the ocean. I don’t have to live here, mere feet away from the sand and surf to appreciate it. But it sure has been nice.
 
And I will miss it with all my heart.